omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
