I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
