i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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