We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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