I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
