I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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