Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
