U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
