the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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