spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
