I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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