so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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