Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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