either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
