I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
