I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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