i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
