omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I want to fling myself into the sun
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