so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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