this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize