Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
