All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
