u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
