Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
