its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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