dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
