I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
