i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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