My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she peed on how many people?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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