God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize