Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
