Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
