I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
