omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
