and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
