Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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