I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
As shirtless as possible
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
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