The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
