her vagine was all disorganized.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
