this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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