I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
