booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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