i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
