dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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