I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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