i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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