The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
