not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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