Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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