I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
