I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
