So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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