Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
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