im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
