hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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