$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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