Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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