Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
