I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
zippers are such a cool invention
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
