I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
