Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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