Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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