90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
only you would photoshop your dick
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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