Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
