i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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