I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
